The Day The World Came Crashing Down All Around Me
by meaganl124
Summary: My version of upcoming Drop the World ep- since someone dies and some think it's Declan, Eli etc... At the 1st real dance since the crackdown, something bad is lurking...and it's out to destroy Eli and Clare too along the way. There are two endings. R&R!
1. Terrible Ties

The Day The World Came Crashing Down All Around Me

Clare's POV

It was just before Spring Break and we were having a dance. A real one. The last time we had had a real school dance was the _Night in Vegas _dance. That was a dance I wished I could completely erase from my memory. My boyfriend had nearly gotten stabbed by his nemesis and school bully- Fitz. Then I had also gone with Fitz because he had threatened to hurt Eli. I had told Eli how scared for him I was- and he brushed it off as if it were nothing. I didn't have to worry tonight though, because this time- Eli was my date, Fitz was gone, and it would just be a fun event. I was sure everyone would be going to the dance since it was the first real dance in a while and no one wanted to be stuck with the school uniform all the time. The crackdown had happened because of Fitz and Eli's fighting, and for a good cause. I didn't like it- but I didn't want Eli to be hurt by Fitz- not ever.

Eli picked me up in his hearse, and I rushed outside seeing his car, quickly saying bye to my father, who was at home with me this week. He opened the door for me, and I climbed into the passenger seat, but not before I smiled at him and gave him a hello kiss. He closed the door and went around to the driver's side. I noticed he was wearing the red suit he had worn to the previous dance. I tried not to think about it too much.

We drove to Degrassi and I could see all the people going in. I didn't wait for Eli to open the door this time, and I stepped out as he did, and he locked the car before coming over to my side. He held his arm out, and I looped my arm through his. He kissed my head and we went in.

It was worse than I could've imagined. It seemed I had been right when I had exaggerated the whole school would be here. The room was packed. And it took awhile to find our friends.

We eventually found Adam with Fiona by the drinks. Fiona held Adam's arm with one hand, and in the other, was a glass of punch. She kept drinking it, glass after glass and Eli and I exchanged a nervous glance.

"Adam, don't let her drink all the punch. There will be nothing left for anyone else!" Eli joked.

"Eli. Don't be harsh." I laughed, and I leaned my head onto his shoulder.

"So. It's the lovebirds." Adam clapped his hands together.

"Oh shut up Adam." We both said.

"Don't worry, I'm just teasing." He still teased.

Then in the middle of Fiona's possible 10th drink, she saw Holly J. and Sav and squealed. She took her half-full cup and pulled Adam along with her to the seniors.

"Looks like Adam's too cool for us now." I mused.

"Yeah. He's moved onto the older crowd." Eli smirked.

I loved his smirk, and his sarcasm made me slightly giggle.

We found Jenna and KC next.

"Hey Jenna!…KC." I went from happy…to…well- I can't really explain it. But kind of…angry I guess.

"So this is Eli." I told them, introducing them.

"I've never seen him around before." KC said.

"He's a junior. He's really smart- in the advanced class." I showed him off, just a little.

"Clare. You are in the grade lower, and you're taking grade 11 advanced English." He reminded me.

"Don't be modest Eli." I told him. Even though it didn't make much sense.

KC seemed shocked that I was dating a junior. He seemed afraid of Eli too- and I smiled.

So the ex meets the current.

"Pleasure." Eli held out his hand and KC shook it. Eli knew who this was. The ex who had dumped me for another girl and gotten her pregnant. But Eli knew how to act, so he acted kind.

After more awkwardness between the four of us, we went our separate ways and Eli pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly fighting back anger.

"Eli. What's wrong?" I looked at the punch table in front of us, kind of hoping he wouldn't take the drinks and do something with all of them- like throwing them in KC's face.

"No. Nothing's wrong." He told me, trying to reassure me.

I touched his arm. "Eli." I said knowingly.

He sighed. "I can't believe that guy used to be your boyfriend. He got your friend pregnant!"

"Eli. Why does that bother you so much? You knew Jenna was pregnant already."

"I'm just glad it wasn't you that's all." He looked at me, sincere.

"Eli. I'm smarter than that. And it didn't happen. I guess I wasn't hot enough for him."

"Clare. Stop right there. You are so beautiful. Don't you dare say that you're not good enough. You are the sweetest, most honest, good, beautiful girl I've ever met. KC is the one missing out."

He made me smile. "Eli, you don't know how cheesy you are. But really, I'm smart enough not to do that,"

Then he turned on me. "But we've done it. I still can't believe you broke your promise to "God." He laughed.

"It's my life. Plus, you were the right person. And we're smarter than that. Protection." I reminded him. I touched his cheek and smiled gently.

"I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back." I kissed him on the cheek and went through the crowd, leaving for some peace and quiet.

Eli's POV

Where was Clare? I checked my watch- 15 minutes. Why was she taking so long? I wanted to go look for her- but I gave her a few more minutes. Worried, I got up, dropping the empty, plastic glass and went in direction that I'd seen her go in 20 minutes prior.

I got to the girls room and stopped. I couldn't exactly go in there after her but I could wait her out.

I stood by the lockers a few feet down and waited- the only source of light- the moonlight that shone through the doors.

Then something stepped out from the shadows. Fitz.

So many questions raced through my mind.

How could he escape juvie? Why was he here? For revenge? Forgiveness? Clare? Me? Adam? I couldn't tell. But then he said something that froze me.

"You're dead."

Then I realized he had a gun.

Clare's POV

I stepped out of bathroom, ready to go back to the noisy, crowded room. I didn't know how to explain to Eli why I'd been so long- I knew he was probably worried by now. The door swung open and I saw Eli slowly backing up, looking grim and helpless and someone else was there, I glanced quickly and saw it was Fitz. Immediately, I ducked my head back in the girls room and pondered different explanations.

But it was obvious Fitz was here, and was going to take revenge on Eli. I peeked again, and saw Fitz had a gun. My worst nightmare was coming true.

I heard my name, and listened closely.

"I am going to kill you Eli- it's not a joke. For real. You know how annoying that place was! It's all your fault. And Clare's of course. So, when you're gone, I'll take her, and we'll run off someplace. Far away- and nobody would be the wiser."

What? Kill him? My heart seemed to stop. And how dare he think he could get away with it. And how could he think that I'd just go off with him? After everything!

I heard nothing from Eli, so I peeked again. He was completely in the corner now, nowhere to run. He didn't speak. But he looked like he wanted to run, find me and go someplace. And knowing him, that probably would be his plan. Try to save me. He made no attempt to fight, or run, and I felt so awful. I considered several options.

I could come at Fitz with everything I had, I could sit here and wait it out, or I could make a break for it, running to get help.

Option 3 seemed the most dangerous. But Eli's life was on the line, and I had to find help. So I closed my hands tightly, and then I sprung out the door and sprinted down the hall, going to where everyone else was. I was only down the hall before the heavy footsteps came after me. A shot rang out, along with Fitz cursing me off.

I fell to the ground to duck and then I heard Eli. He was running too. "Clare! Run!" He called to me. I listened to him, and stumbled up and raced around the corner.

"Fitz. Please. Don't hurt her. It's me you want. Just don't hurt her. Kill me. Only me." Eli pleaded.

"No. She knows too much- she'll tell first chance she got. I'll have to kill her first."

"NO!" I heard Eli.

I knew why Eli was being so weird. He couldn't lose me. He'd lost Julia, and it was the anniversary of her death. If he lost me, he could worsen his hoarding, just when it was getting better, he could even kill himself. I stopped thinking about that.

Then it was quiet for an instant, before Fitz started yelling at Eli.

I looked around the corner and saw Eli was on Fitz's back, reaching for the gun, but also trying to stop him, and give me a chance to get help. They struggled and rounded the corner, back to where they originally were- out of my sight. I looked down the hall, help seemed far. I could've kept going, but I was scared for Eli, so I ran back to them.

And in time to see Fitz throw Eli at the wall. Eli was getting up, using the wall to climb, when Fitz shot him. Eli looked at Fitz once, and sunk to the ground.

"ELI!" I screamed, tears running down my cheeks. I ran to him, past Fitz, not even thinking what Fitz might do to me.

Fitz just stood there. Clearly shocked out of his rage enough to realize what he had done.

"Get out!" I yelled hoarsely. "He was just trying to protect me!"

He dropped the gun and bolted past us, out the door.

I turned my attention back to Eli.

"No no no no no no…." I kept saying.

I looked at his right side, opposite of where I sat, and saw the blood.

"Eli. Talk to me. Please!" I begged. I took his hand and started sobbing as I held his hand up to my cheek.

"Clare?" a weak voice questioned.

"Eli." I breathed a bit more now, smiling through my tears. "You're okay."

But he wasn't. I was just glad he was talking.

"You're okay." He repeated me.

"You saved me…Why?" I asked, shaking my head.

"I love you Clare. I'm so in love with you." He smiled through his pain.

"You don't know how much I love you too." I breathed. I closed my eyes.

"You have to go get help." Eli whispered.

"I won't leave you. What happens if you're not here when I come back?"

And he wouldn't move. But I meant if he would still be alive. I ran my fingers through his dark hair.

He saw me trembling. "You have to. Clare. Listen to me. It's the only way…" He trailed off. He didn't have to finish, not really. I knew.

"I'll be back as soon as possible." I was shaking. "But you have to promise you'll still be here when I get back."

"I'm not going anywhere Clare."

I let out a small cry. "I'll be back. I promise." And I leaned in to kiss him.

His lips still felt just right, even when I pulled away. I could melt, just kissing him. Even though he was clinging to life, he was reassuring me, kissing me…I couldn't take it.

"Umm." I bit my lip as I stood up. "Soon." I whispered and I ran to get help.

Eli was my rock and without him…what was I? I kept going, faster and faster. I wouldn't let this be a tragic remake of Romeo and Juliet.

I got into the dance room and thought how could everyone be partying…when Eli was dying?

I found Jenna, KC, Adam, and Fiona.

"Jenna. KC." I panted. "Go tell Mr. Simpson, a student has been shot and to call the police and an ambulance right away."

They nodded, scared and ran, seeing how desperate I was.

I turned to Fiona. "Oh shoot. I didn't tell them where he is. Okay Fiona, go tell Simpson that Eli has been shot and is in hall 2D." She nodded and headed off.

Adam was left and he looked like he wanted to strangled somebody. "Eli was shot?" He asked.

I nodded, wiping my eyes, knowing the tears would come back.

"Who…"

"Fitz…he got away…we need to hurry. C'mon! I need to see Eli again!"

I hoped we wouldn't be too late. Adam followed me, scared for his friend and also for me. If it was hard on him- he could only picture how I felt….

It seemed like the world wanted to make me miserable, since it seemed to take forever to reach Eli.

Adam gasped, taking it all in, but I kept going until I reached Eli. I didn't bother to stop and sit. I just collapsed onto my knees and crawled over to him. I kneeled and I shook his arm.

"Eli. I'm back." I smiled.

But he didn't open his eyes, he didn't smile, he didn't speak.

"Eli?" I shook his arm harder. "Eli, it's Clare." My throat began to tighten. "Eli?" I asked hoarsely. I put my head down on his chest, crying, taking his hand in mine.

Then Simpson appeared. "We found them." He said into a walk-talkie. Fiona, KC, and Jenna came following; Fiona took one look and ran to comfort Adam, who was now sitting slumped against the lockers, dazed.

KC and Jenna stared…pitying me…him…us.

I cried and tears fell onto his suit and I whispered, " I love you so much. You can't leave me. You promised."

Then the police rushed in, talking to Simpson- who pointed to me.

Simpson spoke. "Clare…you'll have to give your witnessing."

I didn't look up or move. "I won't leave him. I can't be apart from him right now. I need to be with him right now. I'll spend whatever time he has left with him- please another time. Mr. Simpson please." As I spoke, I gripped Eli's suit in my hand, as if someone would come out from behind me and take him away.

Mr. Simpson sighed. "Alright Clare…The paramedics are here to take Eli to the hospital now."

I didn't want to let go. _'This is what he needs' _I told myself. If he were to make it….

Simpson pulled me off of him and the paramedics put all this stuff on him, they lifted him onto a gurney and carried him out.

"Clare. What happened?" an officer asked.

I told them the whole story as quick as I could- but they seemed to get it all. And I had started when Fitz damaged Eli's car.

"Clare. You need to get in that ambulance with Eli." My friends told me. I looked at everyone and nodded. I took off and just made it.

"Will you be riding with us?" a medic asked.

"Yeah." I stated. He held out his hand and I took it. He helped me in then the doors closed behind us. The medics got to work.

I looked out the windows of the doors and saw Degrassi grow smaller and smaller in the distance.

Some relaxing, fun night.

I looked back towards toward Eli and my vision blurred. I saw through the cracks of all of them working on him- the spaces in between. And it was painful to see him like that. Why would Jesus want to hurt me like this? This was a thousand times worse than my parents fighting- because then I had Eli. It was all a part of his plan as Jesus Club put it. I smiled at the memory of Eli saying his plan sucks.

Then my smile disappeared as quickly as it had come. Eli had been right, like how he was about so many things- His plan did suck.

In the hospital, I sat in the waiting room, my head in my hands, pleading silently- while Eli in surgery.

I was alone for only ten minutes before CeCe and Bullfrog rushed in.

"Clare!" Bullfrog boomed, but for once, he had no smile on his face- but I looked up and saw, they were confused.

"Clare…what's wrong? What's going on?" CeCe asked, walking over to me.

I shook my head. I hated having to be the one to tell them. "He…was shot/ Trying to protect me." I frowned. "It's all my fault." I told them, feeling awful. CeCe gathered me into her arms, and I hugged her back. "Oh Clare. It's not. Eli's a fighter. He'll make it- he always makes it out of trouble. He won't leave you. He's so happy with you…" CeCe smiled, and wiped her eyes, before tears could come.

I looked down after she let go, not wanting her to see my face. I was the unofficial killer of my boyfriend. How could I turn into such a monster?

Adam and my parents ran in- Adam leading them.

"Adam, you didn't have to go get them." I imagined him tracking down my parents. My dad was home, but my mom- Adam didn't know where my parents lived- alone, and one at a time of course

"Fiona helped." He admitted. The picture became clearer. Fiona hiring someone to find my mom.

I wanted to laugh- but I didn't have the hope and strength to.

"Clare-bear! We're so glad you're alright!" My parents stood there, next to eachother, smiling. I ran into their arms and started bawling.

"I'm not though. Eli's in there…because of me…He was protecting me…"

My parents stroked my hair and stood there- soothing me.

I moved my head a bit. "Until I know he's going to be okay, I won't be able to really breathe." I told them how I really felt.

"You really care about this boy don't you?" They asked.

"I do…More than you could ever imagine. I love him…I can't be without him…he's like…my life source you know?" I tried to sum up my feelings to no avail.

"I do." My mother looked at my father when he wasn't looking.

I let go. I couldn't have my parents protect me anymore. I wanted someone else to. But that person could be gone now. My Eli.

I started to walk across the room, back to the chair I'd sat in ever since I had gotten here. But Eli's parents interceded. "Clare. Eli loves you. He never stops talking about you. It's the happiest I've seen him in a while."

"I know. He told me loved me." I wanted to smile at the bittersweet moment, but I couldn't.

"I think he loves you more than…" The nurse came out.

"Eli is out of surgery now- the family may see him now." And his parents went in. The door clicked shut behind them. And Alli came flying through the elevator and ran into the room. She brushed her hair to the side and looked around.

"Clare!" She squeaked. She came over and hugged me tightly. "What's going on." Her smile disappeared, replaced with seriousness.

"Eli was shot by Fitz at the dance." I was telling everyone this because? Couldn't someone else fill everyone in?

"Omigod. Are you alright? Well of course you're not. That must be so hard on you right now- you love him." She knew so well.

"You…have…no…idea…" I sobbed into her shoulder.

Adam went in next, and I was being comforted by everyone. His parents put on a smile- but they had to be hurting like I was.

His parents said he was asleep the whole time they were in there. I prayed slowly, he couldn't die! My life would be over if he did.

Adam finally came out, and I jumped up and ran over, everyone around me was sleeping- with good reason. It was the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep. I was too scared to go to sleep then.

I had told Alli to go home when she's been struggling to stay awake. She wanted to be my support system, but I told her to go home. I had a big enough already support group. So I had her call a taxi and she went home. I didn't want her to get in in trouble with her parents and Sav. They'd be worried if she stayed out any longer. She had after all, run away, not too long ago.

"Adam- is he okay?" I whispered when I got to him.

"He looks really bad." Adam looked up, not wanting to make eye contact with me. Looks like Adam wouldn't lie to protect me.

I shook my head and ran into Eli's hospital room. "Oh God." I whispered. Eli looked so pale, lifeless, ad helpless…

Adam pat me on the back and walked out, closing the door behind him.

I started hyperventilating, and made these small gasps of air, from when you've cried so much and you need air.

I moved quietly across the linoleum floor and sunk into the chair beside his bed.

"Eli." I smiled through my tears, and I made my wobbly fingers through his hair. I traced his facial features, and moved my hand down his arm, until his hand was in mine.

"I love you…you can't die…Not now…not here…not for this reason." Behind, in the background was the beeping that monitored his heart.

I put my head down on his chest to his heart and listened.

The steady boom calmed me.

I moved from the chair onto the edge of the bed. And I sighed.

"I should've gotten help when I first had the chance. If I'd gone sooner- maybe you wouldn't be here. In here- clinging to everything." I closed my eyes and breathed out a ragged breath, as I let more tears come. I tightened my grip on his hand as well.


	2. Eli lives! Happy Ending!

Clare's POV

"Clare."

I looked up and gazed into his eyes.

"You're awake. I'll go get the doctor." I was so glad to see him talking, I couldn't help but show my excitement. I didn't want to leave him though.

"No…Clare…I want to stay here with you…I promised I'd make it and I will…for us."

He moved his free hand to wipe tears away from my eyes. "You say…it's your fault…but it isn't. Either way- Fitz would've hurt me. But the worst thing he could ever do was steal your life…take you away from me…So I fought him. You did what you did because you wanted to see if I was going to win the fight and be okay. And I don't blame you."

"We're such a mess. It's like we can't be without eachother. We depend on eachother so much. But love does that to you."

"I wouldn't want it any other way." And he smirked.

I wanted to giggle like I had earlier, but all I did was grin. "Me either. I'm just so glad to hear you again!" I threw my arms around him. And in return, he put his arms around me.

I looked at him and we kissed. "I love you." I said simply.

"I know." He smirked again.

And we continued to hug.


	3. Eli Dies! Sad Ending

Clare's POV

I sat there and I wondered why everyone was trying to comfort me. It was Eli who deserved the attention. I wanted to bolt out of there, for being so selfish and hogging all the attention and just because I was afraid. It wasn't about it. It was about Eli. And I'd make sure everyone understood that. Just because I was his girlfriend, didn't mean everyone was on my side. I knew everyone cared, but Eli was hurt.

Suddenly, after being in the same position for a while I heard it.

The heart monitor was suddenly dead. Just the long, endless line going across the screen with a shrill beep.

I couldn't hear his heart. I started hyperventilating and I knew it wouldn't end well. It was all my fault. I was so stupid! I should've gotten help- but I was too self-absorbed! I was such a monster.

"Code Blue. Code Blue." The speakers said.

Then a team of doctors and nurses burst in, talking, giving orders…trying to save Eli.

His parents ran in, and their act was gone now- replaced by sheer worry. I moved out of the way, and backed into the corner. A flashback came through my mind.

At the last dance, Eli had pushed me away from him into the lockers- protecting me, and he tried to reason with Fitz, and he was "stabbed."

Even though this was a totally different scenario, it still had its similarities.

But instead of Fitz popping out with saying- it was all a joke! The medics gave up.

I heard only bits and pieces, but I did hear, " We've lost him…He's gone."

They saw it as a young man being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and his parents saw it as a lost son- I couldn't beat that. All I had to show was I was his girlfriend and the reason he was dead. It didn't really hit me until after the doctor told his parents, and they finally broke down, tears in their eyes. I had lost one of my best friends…my boyfriend…my "Rock"…I snapped. I ran over to the bed. I took his hand and shook it hardly as I cried. "No-Eli! Please! You can't leave! Even if it's not for me. But your parents and Adam! Wake up. Please wake up!" I sunk to the floor and his hand slid out of mine. I sat and buried my face in my hands.

He was with Julia. That was good, he'd be happy now. At least that was what I tried to tell myself. I wished he was here with me. Telling jokes with Adam and me…pissing me off; like he did when he first became my friend.

I got up and moved onto the edge of the bed again. I laid my head on his chest once more- as if hoping there'd be a heartbeat somehow. I wanted to reverse time, and have him wake up and everything turn out alright. Or better, have me have never left the dance room to have him come looking for me…and well.

I played back a hundred memories in my head.

Our picnics, urban adventures, kisses, the hammock, him also protecting me from Fitz, how he'd always be there for me, and how he had said he wanted me not to give up on him…

I tightened my hold on him at that. I never would give up on him.

And how he had rejected me…for reasons I hadn't known at the time, him freaking out and yelling at me when I tried to clean his locker, him giving me his headphones, our first date/ my rebellion, our first meeting, our Romeo and Juliet scene, the whole thing from skipping school…and there too many things to count. Everything made me want to smile, but also to cry.

I finally loosened my grip on him and kissed him one last time; a long goodbye kiss. I stood up.

I ran my fingers through his hair for the tenth time that night and caressed him cheek.

"I'm sorry. I should have gotten help. I'll never be able to take that back. I'll always love you…I really hope I'll be with you again someday…I need you…" I stopped.

And I opened the door and I looked back once. I saw only a corpse. What had made Eli him was his personality. His sense of humor, his bravery, him caring, his mysteriousness…It was all gone. I closed my eyes. It was hard to picture he wasn't here anymore. And I walked out, closing the door behind me, hearing the small click- made everything flash before my eyes. It was so final. His mom was still in there, my parents comforting her. Bullfrog was probably making calls to family members.

Adam came over…"Clare…Is?…" He trailed off, seeing my lost expression. I nodded and hugged him. "I loved him so much." I cried into his shirt. "It's not fair."

Adam started to cry too, but he said nothing, he was simply mourning his friend.

I let go and he wiped his eyes and walked over to his parents…and Drew- his brother. He told them and they hugged him. The all seemed upset and in shock. Drew just stood there. A kid in his grade was dead. His parents did their best to remain calm and take their teens home.-they all walked out; Mrs. Torres ushering them out.

They'd go to the funeral, I was sure of that though- they just didn't want to be here anymore- after all it was 2 am…I turned and walked over to CeCe.

"CeCe…I'm so sorry. I should've helped…I'm here for you. This is harder for you than me…I've been so selfish." She looked up.

"Clare…we'd like you to help us with the funeral arrangements. Eli always said how organized and calm and helpful you were." She seemed to have trouble with the past tense.

Me? Calm? Throughout all this- I definitely hadn't been. Helpful…no…it was my lack of that that this was happening. Organized? My brain and heart was a mess right now.

"I don't know…"

"Clare. You are our family. Eli loved you- and he'd want it this way."

I didn't know what to say.

My parents saved me from answering immediately.

"Oh Clare." My mom sympathized.

"Mom." I ran into her arms and cried. And my dad came from behind me, hugging me; I was surrounded and safe- but it didn't feel like it.

"I just want to be with him right now. I feel like dying." I said, it muffled by my face being pressed against my mom's shoulder.

"Oh Clare…" They stroked my hair; looking at eachother over me- like she needs serious help right now.

I remembered what CeCe had said…And I cried harder.


	4. Eli Dies! Sad Ending Part 2

Clare's POV

I didn't want to go to the funeral. I stood, facing the mirror in my room, wearing a knee-high black dress. I tried to mask my sadness and despair as my mom called for me.

"Coming!" I took one more look at the girl in the mirror and instantly stepped back. And I ran out.

At the funeral house, only family was allowed to see the open-casket. So before bringing it in, to everyone, the family said their goodbyes.

I was about to walk in with my mom but the Goldsworthy's stopped me.

"Clare- you're our family- you go to the open-casket showing." They said firmly and without doubt.

They still had tears in their eyes as we walked to the private room.

Tons of people had come over and given them food, including my family and Adam's. They pretended they were fine, until I had delivered their gift basket with both my parents. They broke down there and my parents sat and talked with Eli's parents for the longest time.

"Can I just…go upstairs real quick?" I had asked. They nodded and I ran up the stairs. I found his door locked. Had his parents even tried to open the door? Or could they not know the combo? Or did they just want to have it as Eli being the last one in there? Whichever reason it was- I put in the combo and went in. His room was half-clean. Like as it was when Eli and I had continued to clean it a week ago. God. It was only a week ago, we were in here. I walked in, and looked at his bedside table. The picture of Julia was still there, but next to it, closer to the bed, was a picture of me and him.

I picked up the picture. It was heartbreaking. I made sure to set it down exactly where it had been. I didn't want to see any of this anymore. I walked out and put the lock back on. As it was clicked- showing that it was locked; my parents called up to me that it time to go.

I snapped back to the present as I felt all the stares of Eli's aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins…They knew me.

Clare Diane Edwards. The reason they were gathered here today. The cause for grief. The girl that had most recently won Eli's heart.

I stood there, awkwardly until it was my turn to go up. I went up and saw him in black. I smiled- black was what everyone was wearing today- but it had been Eli's color also.

It was painful, seeing him lie there. I couldn't decide if he was peaceful or not.

I touched his face, and his hair. I'd never be able to touch him, see him again after this. It was only in my memories that I had him now. I looked back towards his family and they weren't paying any attention to me. So I leaned in and kissed his cheek one last time. I straightened up again as I whispered, "I love you Eli. I'll be with you…soon…so…very soon." I smiled painfully. "It's only a matter of time."

As I moved away, putting distance between us, the casket was closed. I caught one last glimpse, and then he was locked away.

I sat with the family in the front row, during the service. I wanted to cry whenever someone brought up how brave and kind Eli had been.

I stood up at my turn and walked up to the podium. As I stood there, in front of everyone, I saw about half of the kids were from school. Just paying respects to their former peer.

I deep a deep breath and started my speech.

"Eli Goldsworthy was so much more than a good, brave, kind person. He was my friend, my boyfriend, my confident, my "rock." He was always there to protect me." I stopped, because I had started to weep in between sentences. A second later, I regained control. "Sorry…He was one of my best friends…He had told me I could never give up on him…and I never did. I was in love with him. And when he was….well…he finally told me he loved me. If I could turn back time, I'd go and do it so Eli would still be here. If he were here…" I stopped. "I'm sorry. There's more…But I can't…Excuse me." And I ran from the podium, leaving the speech, and ran past everyone through the center aisle. Everyone watched me go too.

As I ran into the bathroom, I heard Adam speaking. "Eli was my best friend. Clare. Eli. And me. We were always hanging out. But then I remembered them flirting and me being a third wheel…but Eli wasn't the guy that dumped his friends for his girlfriend. He put time aside for me…and everyone else too. Clare and Eli may have loved eachother, but we loved him too- not the same way. I'll never forget him. He was a supportive…stand-up guy…"

I stopped listening. I sat against the far wall from the door. I rolled up my long sleeves and on my arms were the dark, long lines across my wrists and arms.

I pulled out a knife from my purse and put the sharp blade to my skin. And it cut. I saw the blood spreading, and my vision blurred. The pain was worth it. I went deeper…and deeper. I would keep going until I bled to death.

Then Fiona burst in. She took one look at me and the knife and her eyes widened. No doubt she was thinking I had gone off the deep end. "Clare?" She ran over and knelt beside me. "Oh my god." she breathed, examining my arms.

I dropped the knife, my body shaking.

"Clare- don't do this. I'll go get help." And she left. I had to do it in that second. I picked up the knife and cut the other side. Tears fell and it stung.

Then Jenna, KC, Adam and Fiona rushed in. The boys had to be really worried to come into the girls' bathroom.

"Clare!" Jenna took away the knife and put it by the side and washed it free of blood.

The guys knelt down beside me.

"Clare…losing someone is hard but…" KC started.

"KC. Just stop. I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to be dead. I should be should instead of Eli. I deserve to be." I whispered.

"Clare. No." Adam told me. "Eli wouldn't want this."

"Leave me alone Adam!"

"No Clare! You are acting so spoiled and selfish lately! Have you even thought of what this could do to us- your friends- and not to mention your family?" He exclaimed.

"That's why I'm doing this. So I can't hurt anyone any more than I already have."

Holly J. appeared beside Fiona. "What are you talking about. You don't deserve to die. You're such a good person." Holly J. kept trying to reason with me, but I wasn't having it. Jenna left and got Mrs. Goldsworthy. She came in and saw the crowd around me. She saw my arms and immediately told KC and Adam to go back to service and to have their moms' come in here. Jenna and Fiona left with their boyfriends and Holly J. looked at me, her eyes full of pity. Then she spun out on her heel and walked out through the door after all my friends. Then Mrs. Torres and KC's mom rushed in.

The three moms kneeled beside me. "Clare. Promise us you won't do this anymore." Mrs. Torres said, sweet, and gentle compared to other times I'd heard her when she was harsh and assuming.

I didn't look at them. "Don't tell." I whispered.

"We won't tell- it'll be our secret alright? But if it gets worse- contact us alright?" KC's mom told me.

Eli's mom spoke. "Clare. Eli would want you to be happy. Eli's in here." She pointed to her heart. "Don't you ever forget that." She brushed hair from my eyes and tucked it behind my ear.

How could she be calm, cool and collected? Her son was dead. Shouldn't she be a wreck? But instead- I was.

"I'm the reason he's dead!" I cried out, trembling.

"No."

"If it weren't for him trying to save me- he wouldn't have been shot."

"They found Mark Fitzgerald. He said he planned only on hurting Eli- not you."

"I should've gotten help." I was shaking so hard.

"You tried- but you couldn't right? You did in the end. You couldn't leave him there- and I understand that."

"How? Everyone must hate me. Adam was right- I'm so selfish!"

"You only hate yourself." All three women chimed in. "Look, you love Eli."

I nodded.

"Then don't do this. If he were here, he'd be exactly what we're all doing- trying to protect you."

I let out a small cry. "It's not fair! Why should I get to be happy?" I realized I had quoted Eli. I wanted to stop all the pain. It was simple. And no one could change that.

At the burial part of the service, I stood, my head on Adam's shoulder as we stood in the front of the crowd, and put the flowers down as we said goodbye at last.

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself again." I was startled by Adam's tone.

"I can't do that."

He sighed. And we walked back into the crowd.

We all separated after that, slowly departing and going home. I waited for someone to say something to my parents but nothing happened.

In the car, I cried, thinking about Eli.

I kept cutting- since it was still a secret.

A few weeks after the funeral, I visited Eli's grave. The warm May breeze chilled me. I fell to the ground and sat there, and I put my hand on the tombstone.

It read- _Eli Goldsworthy 1994-2010 Beloved Son and Friend_. I wanted to change the death plate. To make it empty. Eli should've been here. I wanted to be able to talk to him again, to laugh with him, to have him hold me again. There was a spot for a grave next to his. I swore that spot would soon be mine. I had decided. Today was the day. I didn't care about anything anymore. Life was becoming unbearable.

At home, I went through the knives drawer and took out a sharp steak knife. I went to the bathroom and closed the door. I locked it in case anyone had to come in and I sat on the floor and began the end.

I was on the ground for a long time, anxious, so close to my goal, as the searing pain started to dim and all feeling began to leave.

Then the locked door jostled. With my cloudy mind- I still heard my mother calling my name.

"Clare?…Clare….Clare? Answer me!" The air seemed to tense and the clock seemed to speed up. The door rattled harder as mom increased with worry. "Randall. Get over here. I can't open the bathroom door….No. I don't know where the key is. Please, I'm worried about Clare…she's not answering and the door's locked…okay…hurry." She sounded frantic and I realized she was on the phone with dad.

Everything was finally starting to become black when the door burst open.

"Clare!" My parents screamed.

My mom ran to me while my dad called an ambulance.

And then, as if my wish came true, everything went dark.

I woke up to see Eli in front of me. Was it a dream? Was he alive? Had I really succeeded and was now in heaven with him?

I grinned. "Eli, you're here. Everything's perfect now."

Eli looked at my arms. "Clare, you can't be with me. Not now. I love you. But you need to be alive, experience more, be with family and friends. Do you even care how your parents will react, or Alli or Adam or Jenna even if you're dead! You have to promise me; for real- that you won't ever injure yourself intentionally again…especially is it's because of me. Get help Clare. For me. One day we'll be together again. I promise." He took my hand and to have him touch me again felt nice. He rubbed the scars and sighed. He kissed me.

"But Eli. I don't want to go back. I wanna be with you. I need you in my life. You've been gone 5 weeks and look at what I've done to myself! I'm lost without you!"

He held me in his arms, it felt amazing to have his arms around me once again.

"Please Clare. No offense- but Adam's right. Stop being selfish. It wasn't your fault. Get that in your head. One day, when it's time, we'll be together again. Then nothing will hurt us ever again. But not now, not for these reasons…" He let go of me.

"No!" I gasped." I love you!…I promise I'll stop…" I said after realizing how self-absorbed I had been the whole time.

He kissed my forehead and then he was gone. Then, the scene of doctors and nurses came into perspective. "Wha'?" I managed.

"Clare!" My friends and family hugged me.

"We thought we'd lost you Clare-bear." Alli smiled.

"Clare- why would you do such a thing?" my parents asked me, shocked.

"I just wanted to be with Eli again." I whispered quietly.

"Oh Clare. He's always with you. Whenever you need him."

"I know that now. I'm sorry. I'll go into therapy or whatever you want. I won't do it again." And I meant it. Eli had been able to get through to me, when no one else had.

I did end up getting a therapist and I slowly became the old Clare who would never even think of hurting herself. And when everyone saw me getting better, they relaxed. I was getting better though- and as cheesy as it is, I knew one day I'd be able to kiss and hold Eli again, but for now- he was just my guardian angel- even though he had since the beginning.


End file.
